Reclaiming Relationships
What does the word “relationship” mean to you?
I don’t necessarily mean specifically intimate partnerships. We’re in relationship with everyone and everything in our lives, including the various aspects of ourselves.
But when you think of being “in relationship,” what comes to mind?
When you’re in a relationship with someone else – be it a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, or even a co-worker – is there a particular role that you tend to fulfill?
If so, where did that role come from? And do you like it?
I don’t want to skip over the self-relationship or any relationships you have with animals, inanimate objects (like your car, your clothes, etc), or concepts (like money, time, home, work, etc). But sometimes, the patterns we have in relationships are more easily seen when we look across the breadth of relationships we have with other people.
It can be beneficial to specifically focus on intimate partnerships, friendships, family, etc. But we’re going to keep it a little higher level today to explore where patterns may emerge wearing different costumes.
For example, if you tend to fulfill the role of caretaker in your relationships, that may look like taking on all the household chores and/or mental load of running the home for an intimate partnership, while in friendships, it may come out a little more like retreating when you need support but being the first to offer support when you know someone else is struggling.
In familial relationships, that role may look like planning all the holiday gatherings, while at work, it shows up as getting into the office first so you can be the one to make the coffee and taking notes in meetings for everyone.
And none of this is bad or wrong! If you tend to be in a caretaker role and you enjoy it, great! It can still be useful to examine it to ensure you’re also cared for and have boundaries in place for yourself.
But whatever role you tend to fulfill, if you’d like to shift it anywhere, that also requires examination. And often support. Which, going with this caretaker role, can be difficult to seek out and even more difficult to accept.
A lot goes into how we define “relationships” within our lives. And most of it is historical — developed socially over generations and handed to us without our consent.
The purpose of examining our definitions is to allow us to reclaim agency over how we define “relationships” so that we can choose to show up to them intentionally. Otherwise, we’re confined to predefined roles and expectations shaped by historical traditions, gender roles, and whatever bullshit we picked up from every relationship example we’ve had presented to us along the way.
By reclaiming our definition of “relationships,” and therefore our perception of our roles and how we show up to them, we open ourselves up to new possibilities to form deeper connections.
We create the space for authenticity – for ourselves. And when we show up as more authentic versions of ourselves, we give the people we’re in relationship with something different to respond to, which changes the relationship dynamic.
That can be scary to think about!
It can also be very freeing.
When we show up in our relationships as more authentic versions of ourselves, rather than the fulfiller of a habituated role bestowed upon us by socialization, we also give those we’re in relationship with permission to show up as more authentic versions of themselves.
Let me be clear. We never NEED permission from external sources to be authentic. Which means they don’t NEED your permission. But offering examples of authenticity generates internal permission by way of seeing something new, thereby creating concept expansion.
So “you give them permission” is really more of a short-hand for “you show them an example that they may interpret in a way to give themselves permission.”
Permission for authenticity is an inside job. It can only be granted by oneself. But until we see it enacted externally, it can be something we don’t even know EXISTS as a possibility. (Which is why representation matters in media. But that’s another topic for another day.)
Our society often places expectations on relationships of all kinds, handing us pre-determined examples of what they should look like, how they should progress, and what milestones they should achieve.
However, by reclaiming our relationships, we can break free from these social and historical expectations and define our own path. By doing so, we allow ourselves to explore unconventional connections, redefine success, and prioritize our own happiness. This helps us foster deeper bonds, stronger self-worth, and a sense of fulfillment that aligns with our individual values.
Challenging relationship dynamics is certainly not easy. And I’m not suggesting it should be. We are a communal species, and anything that threatens our closest relationships can feel like looming death on the horizon.
But unconsciously fulfilling predetermined roles that we’ve never consented to also isn’t easy. It may SEEM easiER, because it’s familiar. And what’s familiar is difficult to shift.
Which is why support in these kinds of things is crucial. And, again, that can be hard to ask for and accept.
But it’s not actually EASY to harbor resentment, guilt, and whatever else comes up because of habituated patterns of role fulfillment that you didn’t ask for.
If you’re in a place where you’d like to excavate your relationship roles to see what’s beneath the surface, I want to invite you to join Project Reclamation.
Dig in. Hold ideas, norms, and conventions up to the light. Dust them off. Examine them. And decide – on purpose – if you want to keep them.
For those you find that you want to keep, you’ll learn tools and have support to strengthen. For those you want to shift, you’ll learn tools and have support to redefine and reclaim on your terms.
You deserve to have relationships that uphold YOUR definitions.
Join Project Reclamation to get the tools and support you need. www.KeliLynJewel.com/project-reclamation
