Reclaiming Sex
Acknowledge your previous experiences rather than brushing them under the rug or beating yourself up for them.
This used to come up ALL THE TIME in my 12-year previous career selling sex toys. And it comes up pretty commonly in calls with my coaching clients when we talk about sex. (Yes, we can talk about sex. No, we don’t have to. For my 1:1 clients and in Project Reclamation, you decide what we coach on. Nothing is off limits, and you’re in charge.)
When we’re socialized as girls and women, we’re often shamed — in both big and small ways — for our sexuality. Of course, this is compounded for those of us under the queer umbrella, but it applies across the board.
We aren’t “supposed” to be sexual, and when we’re sexualized by others, we’re often blamed for their actions, words, and even perceptions. When we ARE sexual, we’re slut-shamed by friends, family, religious groups… When we AREN’T sexual, we’re also shamed for that.
And there’s an undercurrent of waiting until you’ve found “the one,” implying that shutting ourselves off from our sexuality can suddenly be flipped backward like a light switch, making sex magical and wonderful as soon as we say the words “I do,” even though we’ve had a lifetime of conditioning to tell us otherwise.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t fucking work. And it often leads us to either engage or disengage in ways that don’t quite feel right, that we aren’t sure about, and that we feel badly about later. And that’s not even touching all the ways sexual predators come into play, and we can be forced or coerced into things beyond our control.
Every sexual experience you’ve had leading up to this moment in time has had an impact on your relationship to sex, your own sexuality, and how you relate to sexual partners.
Acknowledging that as part of your truth can come with a host of emotions. Which can be uncomfortable. But so is disconnecting from your sex life or enduring physical or emotional pain during sex just because it’s what you’re “supposed” to do.
If you’re one of the multitudes of folks socialized as a woman who carries shame around sex, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and it’s actually quite common. Pretending that’s not the case for you when it is or further shaming yourself FOR the shame because you believe it means there’s something wrong with you does not make it better. While acknowledging where you are can come with discomfort, that’s something that can be worked through. And ultimately, it leads to you having more agency over your sex life and reclaiming sex for yourself.
If that’s something you’d like to work through privately, please respond to this email, and we’ll talk about what it looks like to work with me as a 1:1 coach. And if we find that’s not the best fit, I’ll happily offer referrals for a sex coach or a sex or trauma therapist. I know several.
